1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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