wanna go halves on a baby?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
