There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
