Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
