He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
