he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
