32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
My liver just had a heart attack.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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