you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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