I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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