The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
