Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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