I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize