I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
