She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Just pee around me
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
