I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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