And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
