So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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