I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
