i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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