Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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