I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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