I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize