Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
