trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
