If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
