I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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