The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
