Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
