omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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