I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
