i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I faked an abortion last night.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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