Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
