seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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