Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
