and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
