I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Fuck appropriateness.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
