Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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