We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
