I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
