im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize