my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
