4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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