i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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