I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
