Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
