I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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