so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Randomize
