how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
