who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
