Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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