I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Randomize
