He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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