I think I won the penis lottery.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
