My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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