you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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