I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i already hear my dad disowning me
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Randomize
