I just cut my nipple shaving
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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